The Things I Said to My Dead Mother

I hope to God that this is the most morbid post I ever make.  8 days ago my mother dropped dead of a probably massive heart attack.  My brother was with his daughter at the father daughter dance and my dad had run to the store to pick up dinner and came home and found her on the floor.  The paramedics worked on her for 30 minutes and never got her pulse back.  I was at home with Chris when my dad called.  Time stood still.  I don’t enjoy reliving the trauma of that night but I want to preserve these memories.  I never in a million years thought that I would be burying my mom when I was 35.  She had me at 38.  She didn’t even live long enough for me to get to the age she was when I was born.  I had just talked to her a few hours before.  She had a cold but other than that she was normal.  In some ways I take comfort in that. As hard as it is, I am reminding myself that I didn’t have to see her deteriorate any more than she had.  I never had an experience where she didn’t know who I was.  I never had to make tough medical choices for her.  I didn’t have to worry about bankrupting myself or any other family members by having to have around the clock care for her.  But with that said, this really, really, really sucks.  The corona virus is spreading, things are uncertain, and all I want to do is talk to my mom.

One of the things that hurt the most is that I didn’t get to say goodbye.  We met with the funeral home on Monday.  The guy had a confederate flag lapel pin and a Hampden Sydney College coffee mug.  I thought to myself that I could not possibly hate this man more than I currently did.  I will think you kindly to refrain from telling me how you feel about the confederate flag, that is not the point of my post.  He offered to write my mom’s obituary and I quick, fast, and in a hurry said I would.  Even without the pin and the mug, I still would have a lot of feelings about someone who had never met my mom writing her obituary.  He asked if any of us wanted to be present when she was cremated.  I stayed quiet because I was worried that would be my only chance to see her.  But as it turns out, we had to “identify the body”.  We all broke down when we saw her.  My dad and my brother didn’t want to stay.  They wanted to remember her as she was.  And I certainly don’t fault them for that.  I pulled up and chair and sat by her.  Of course she didn’t look exactly like my mom, she was bloated and discolored but she was still my mom.  Sitting with her was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I am so glad I did it.  Again, that is not a slight to my dad or brother.  It is just that for me it brought some closure and for me, it was the right thing to do.  As best I can remember, I am going to write the things I said to her.

Hi Mommy.  You look so peaceful there.  Your hair looks good so I know you’d be excited by that.  I’m sorry for the way I’m dressed.  I can hear you now “is that really what you’re wearing?!” Ariel came and helped me pack and I didn’t think to pack anything that wasn’t lounge clothes or a dress.  And if you had such a strong opinion on my clothes, you shouldn’t have died on me.  Fuck.  Sorry for my language. But you Really have no one else to blame for that other than you.  I wasn’t ready for you to go and I know you probably are sitting there saying “huh. Tell me about it”.  It doesn’t feel real.  It just looks like you are sleeping and will wake up at any moment.  I am not sure how I am supposed to go on.  I am not sure how to carry on without you.  I’m not ready to be motherless.  I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all the love I have for you.  Where do I put it?  Who do I call multiple times a day?  Who do I send photos of roadside potatoes to?  I told Andie.  She’s beside herself.  We all are.  Chris drove me down.  He’s a good guy, momma.  I definitely lucked out there.  I know you did the best you could.  You were a good mom.  And now that I work every day and come home, I totally understand why you got mad when we didn’t take the chicken out of the freezer or clean while you were gone.  I know your main concern is daddy.  I promise to take care of him.  I know you worry about him and truth to tell, I do too.  But I will take care of him and make sure he’s ok.  He’s got a good support system.  And I do too.  We are going to go on without you but I don’t want to.  I never imagined the when we talked on Saturday and I was almost hit by that car that that would be our last conversation.  There’s so much I wanted to know about you and now I will never get that chance.  I know you always thought less of yourself because you didn’t go to college but I will tell you the truth, you are one of the smartest people I ever met.  And I mean that.  Shit momma. Why did you have to go now?  I am really not ready for this.  I could sit here all day and talk to you but I guess I should probably get going.  Save me a seat in heaven and when I get there, we will judge people’s outfits.  I love you mommy.