Today is October 13, 2020. It has been 7 months and 6 days since my momma died. There are 19 days until All Saints Day, 24 days until my birthday, and 27 days until her first birthday in heaven. From there, it's a sprint to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Suffice it to say I will not be okay for a while.
Mostly things are how I thought they would be. I see something random and really wish I could pick up the phone and tell her about it. Or Chris does something like tell me I am right and that he should listen to me more. Telling my dad just doesn't have the same satisfaction. I knew I would miss venting to her on my bad days. Even though she thought she was bad at giving advice, she was actually quite good at it. But what no one prepared me for was how much I want to call her on my good days.
Life is weird right now. If I hear the phrase "unprecedented times" one more time, I am going to scream. And yet, that's where we are. Life is not normal. For me, nothing has been the same since March 7, 2020. It is now a day that is stuck in my memory. Mom was sick. Had a bad cough. Chris and I had gone to eat at one of our favorite spots in a mall. He wanted to go to a guitar store and I didn't so I headed towards the metro and called my mom. I was crossing the street (which was also a highway entry ramp) and I had a walk light. A red SUV came out of nowhere and had to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting me. I relayed this to my mom. Soon after, we hung up and she said "maybe I'll talk to you later on tonight". And that was the last thing she ever said to me.
I was ashamed to admit it for a while but now that I am on the other side of it, I have no problems saying that nothing felt right and for a while I wondered if the red SUV had killed me and I was the one dead. Maybe I was living in a simulation.
With all of the crap that has gone on in the rest of the year, this would have been a really crappy simulation. But only sort of. Because in the midst of these "unprecedented times", I have become really really happy. Major shoutout to Zoloft... but also my professional life seems to be going exceedingly well. I have landed at a church and in a denomination that loves me, recognizes my gifts, affirms me, and wrapped their loving arms around me when she died. My pharmacy job is everything I have ever wanted too. Today my boss sent me home 2 hours early because she thinks I am working too much and too hard. I get to wear whatever I want AND there are dogs. I love my coworkers at both jobs. Like legit. Like I hang out with them when we aren't at work. Chris and I are still going strong. We get on each other's nerves but I swear every day he makes me laugh out loud. We went on a mini vacation and stumbled across an antique car show with one of the largest number of rednecks I have seen in a LONG time. Our garden did well... ish. Got a bunch of tomatoes and 1 squash. So it ain't much but we learned a lot and had fun doing it. One of my best friends is pregnant with twins after struggling with fertility. A dear, dear friend who deserves all the happiness in the world is dating a guy who treats her so well. Another friend adopted the cutest cat. These certainly are unprecedented times but they are also joyous times. And that is what I wish I could pick up the phone and tell my mom. I wish I could tell her that for right now, things seem to be good. The struggling to get where I am was worth it. The days and days of me calling her, telling her I wanted to give up are gone. She bore my burdens and sorrows as only a mom can do and her doing so was not for nothing. The times I sobbed to her because I needed money are gone. I am stable. I am happy. I just wish mom could have lived long enough to see it.
This is what I wasn't prepared for. This is what no one told me. I just want her to know it worked out. But I can't. More than telling her about my bad days, I wish I could tell her about my good days. Lord knows she and I waited long enough for this moment to come around. And yes, I believe she is now a part of the "cloud of witnesses" and can see it but nothing beats a mom hug and being able to tell her in person.
