This past weekend my phone died. You would think my falling into the Potomac River with it in my pocket would have a lot to do with it and while I am sure it didn't help it any, I don't think it did much harm. See, there had been warning signs in the weeks leading up to the disaster. I noticed that when I would be on the phone without my headphones in, I couldn't hear the other person. For a while there I thought I was losing my hearing until I had another person take my phone and they took mine. The volume was all the way up, too. So then I fell into the river. Well, I should say, a canoe capsized and I threw my phone up on the dock to a coworker I thought for sure it was fried.
For those of you who know me, you know that one of my deepest fears is not being able to get in contact with people, specifically my family. It's not really about having a technology dependency, it is literally the idea of people not being able to get in touch with me or me be able to get in touch with them is a debilitating fear for me. It is the reason I bought my entire family cell phones. When my family was going through financial problems and the house phone was disconnected I got them cell phones because I could not bear the idea of not getting in touch with them. Yea, I know, I should probably work that out with a therapist. But back to the matter at hand...
So I had to wait until my coworkers came back in order to get my phone which was not fried. It worked just fine. I was elated. I took it home, plugged it in, tried to play music to sleep to, and the sound wouldn't work. It said there were headphones plugged in. Now the previous issue made more sense. Fine. I can sleep without music but I sure do sleep better with it. I was concerned the alarm wouldn't go off so I tested it and it would so I went to sleep. Somewhere around 3am I get up and I see it's at like 92%. I figure the charger fell out, no big deal. When I wake up again for real I realize it still hadn't fully charged. So I try another charger. Nothing. I try another charger. Nothing. I text my family to let them know what happened, I go to work, and between services I go to the Verizon store. The super nice sales rep confirmed that my phone was toast. He was hoping I had everything backed up. I didn't. But the truth is, my phone wasn't healthy. Not only did it have that sound problem, it was also overheating a lot. Apparently that is also a warning sign of near death. I ignored the warning signs. After all, my trusty phone and I had been through a lot and it was still functional. Until it wasn't. We tried to get it backed up before it died but it was futile. I started with like 39% and it died before we could get it backed up. The most recent backup was 2017. If I am ever able to get the phone to charge I can back it up, wipe the new phone clean, and have all my stuff back. So we turn on the new phone. I open the pictures and there are all my photos! Even ones from being on the boat. And then, inexplicably, they disappeared. Poof. Gone. Even my photos from 2017 and before were gone. All of my photos of Doofus the dog were gone. He hasn't even been gone a month and all of my photos of him are gone. Yes, I uploaded a lot to Facebook and Instagram but literally in the blink of an eye, everything was gone and there is nothing I can do about it. I literally had to set it aside and focus on the now. Because I had another church service to get through. And I did. Then I went home and tried to process everything. And that is where the idea for this blog post came from.
Because the reality is that even though this is a true story, it is hauntingly similar to the events that led to my no longer being with the Methodist church. I had to start all over again. But having my phone die a horrible death and leaving my dream job are not the only times I have had to start over. There was also the house fire where my family had to start all over again. I am sure if I sat here long enough I can think of many more times that I have had to start over again. And I can almost promise you that all of those instances have the same thing in common: I did not choose them and I hated them. Starting over is the actual worst.
I think we get this false sense of... whatever... that we get a clean slate. No. The slate is never clean. Even before we are born. Because we are born into someone else's narrative. And with every "new beginning" we carry our baggage and bias. It doesn't even have to be bad stuff. It can be good stuff. Like "hey, the church I worked for bad a blessing of the backpacks and it went over well. I think we should try it here". Ok, obviously I phrased it a little differently but the Blessing of the Backpacks will be the last week of August. Tell your friends. But we do. We carry our past failures and successes with us. But we have no choice. Life brings us to new beginnings whether we ever ask or not. Because trust me, I would ask for a new beginning never.
I am keenly aware that you grow through new beginnings, that not much grows on a mountain top, more things grow in valleys, God is with us, God already knows the ending, God completely erases our sin, we have friends to help us through the tough times, etc but it doesn't make our grief any less real. It doesn't make that period of mourning any more comfortable.
I am reminded of some advice I gave a friend a few years ago. I love yoga. Every time I get in a new pose, it usually hurts the first time. It's a stretch. Literally. And inevitably the yoga instructor says "relax into the pose". That means the more you are in that position, especially when focusing on your breathing, it becomes more comfortable. And that's what life is. A series of new poses and stretching. I cannot tell you how many times my words to that friend have come back to bite me. Because I know they are true. But it doesn't mean I have to like it, especially at first. So my new job and I are getting to know each other better, I am figuring out this way too fancy phone, and I will be moving yet again. I am focusing on my breathing and relaxing into the pose. So here's to new beginnings, if I have to. I guess.
Carrie_On.
